The Unveiling Starts

I am learning it ok to not be perfect, to not have it all together. It is ok to be sad, disappointed, upset about life because life on earth is hard and is not meant to be perfect, I am not living in heaven yet. I WILL be disappointed etc when I expect heaven here, for my “happily ever after” will not happen here because it can’t happen. If it did , why would I have the hope of Heaven, of no more tears, no more sorrow etc if I was not going to experience tears and sorrow here? I have felt condemned and guilty for feeling sorrow, disappointment, longing for more here. I “should” be content with my lot in life. - (which is all true) but at the same time it is contentment in HIM, not in the world I live in or even the life I have.  The Lord is enough- stop longing for more- you are a bad Christian for wanting more. This is what has been in my head for so long. So, I have stuffed, and shamed myself for wanting, hurting and longing for more out of life.  I am finding now though, finally, at my age that God is ok with me feeling those things- in fact, it is GOOD that I feel those things because by doing so, I am not planting myself in the hope of the world bringing me something that it can’t but that I know where my true life is and can put my focus and heart upon Him and eternity rather than on my temporal life here.

I am not saying I am going to deny that I do want more here, that would be lying but I am saying  that I am learning to embrace those longings instead of stuffing or shaming myself for them, I will take them to the Lord and to others who I know love me and care for me to attain the strength and hope I need to endure the longing and embrace hope at the same time. I have always been a “black or white” thinker- it’s all or nothing. I am not sure that is really true, at least not in some things. Life can be an oxymoron at times and to feel disappointment but hold onto hope, seems like one to me however, it is one I am trusting the Lord to help me embrace and be ok with.  I think it is only by taking them to the Lord and trusting him for what HE wants instead of me saying what I WANT, what I EXPECT to happen here because the reality is- I have NO CLUE what is good for me.  It is by me placing expectation upon him (expectations that he never gave me) that I have felt the most profound disappointment and rattling of my faith but I have learned that by doing that, I have given into entitlement and idolatry, that I know what is best for me, to have things my way instead of saying “Your will be done” and trust that whatever his will is, is what is best. It is letting go of control (which I have never considered myself a control freak) however I am discovering I am, I WANT my heart safe. ( only in Christ will it ever truly be safe)  

There is a difference between “guarding” my heart and “protecting” it. I am  thinking  self-protection is idolatry and sin- it is saying I know what is best and right for myself, what is safe etc and I AM going to make sure I have it and have control over what I do have . It is taking control and kicking God out of the place of Lordship over my heart.  The analogy of a security guard, guarding an art exhibit would fit this idea.  By “ guarding” the exhibit  he would saying you can go this far but no more. The guard allows the art to be viewed, experienced, and enjoyed at a safe distance because the art is valuable and precious and others may not see it that way therefore he has to stand guard between the people and the art. He can sometimes allow people who have obtained “clearance” to come close and touch it, experience it on another level because they are qualified and also recognize how valuable it is. The idea of protection denotes threat and suspicion, that the “art” will be stolen, destroyed or broken is some way by those looking at it. It is a preventative act- it would be like the guard throwing himself over the exhibit and saying, you can’t look, touch, experience or enjoy it- nothing, because I know you will be destroy it, only to find that he has done the very thing he was trying to protect it from by throwing himself on it.  I don’t have this all completely figured out yet but I am on the way. I want to guard not protect my heart which means I have to let go of my desire for a  guarantee that I am not going to be hurt which is not something that will ever happen- I WILL get hurt and I WILL hurt others- it’s part of being human.  Life is a risk, relationships are a COMPLETE RISK however, I think that joy and risk are opposite sides of the same coin. If I want to have joy- I will HAVE to risk and the kicker is- I am such a safety girl. I WANT to know,,, and I can’t.( Honestly, the bane of my life on ALL levels)  So here I am, terrified of risking but willing to do it with Jesus on my side and knowing that when those times of doubt, fear, longing, sorrow come- it is ok that I have them- express them and trust God with them. It is trusting God to be my “guard”   and knowing that whatever he allows in my life, He has reason and purpose that I will not always understand on this earth. It is trusting, not controlling

 I don’t have this all figured out yet, and this is probably a complete random bunch of thoughts (ADD, ask Angie Chatterton..hahah) however, this has been on my heart and has been a struggle for a while now I suppose that is what death to control looks like, struggle and release . I don’t profess to know it all but I know I want to love with all I have- it excites me and terrifies me all at one time.   My hope and goal is to let go and be free, not stuff, not run but just be. It has taken me 37 years to get to this point and I am not close b any means of walking in this but this is the start. The beginning of my unveiling. Feel free to add any thoughts you may have, tis a journey here and I would love some impute of any other pilgrims. ;)